I guess for now, I’ll say this blog is on a temporary hiatus. I’ve been dealing with a lot of, shall we say, stuff (just imagine it’s a lot of stormtroopers and give no further thought), and haven’t had much time to devote to this stuff. I’ll be back, eventually, when I sort out all the stuff (aka stormtroopers). Until then, well, try not to die. It is generally bad for your health to do things like that.
You know when they talk about stating the obvious, as in stating the facts which are obviously obvious? Yeah, Twilight’s like that. It’s bad. Really bad. So, Bella’s old man buys her a jalopy and of course, she asks how old it is. Then she goes on some exposition tangent saying his face changedbecausethat wasn’t the question he wanted to hear. So, couldn’t the readers just infer that her dad is not exactly happy answering such a question. Yeah. Dad buys girl jalopy. Girl finds this out through conversation. Girl asks how old the jalopy is to see how much of a jalopy it is. Dad is caught in an awkward place. No, duh.
Time for some literary examples, because I feel kind of righteous right now.
Example A:
Alice, having narrowly dodged the missiles, turned to face several fixed and silent stares from her rocket launcher-wielding assailants.
Example B:
Alice, having narrowly dodged the missiles, turned to face several fixed and silent stares from her rocket launcher-wielding assailants. Judging by their faces, it was obvious that they were shocked that she dodged those missiles. Seriously, humans can’t dodge those things. She knew they must have been thinking perhaps she was not all human.
Example C:
Alice, having narrowly dodged the missiles, turned to face several fixed and silent stares from her rocket launcher-wielding assailants.
“Damn,” grunted one of the men, “Dis girl, she ain’t human. Only one of ‘em halfbreeds could’ve dodged that. Would’ve blown any human into red mist.”
So, Example A was a typical passage describing a scene. Alice dodges the missile, and the men stare in disbelief. Putting two and two together, one probably realizes that the rocker launcher men are dumbstruck by a young girl dodging explosive missiles. Wouldn’t you be shocked if a little girl somehow dodged your weapon? Example B was an example of superfluous exposition. Okay, maybe the part about Alice not being completely human was useful, but nobody likes being told this stuff when the story can show it. Also, this one outright states that the men are dumbstruck by her dodging skills. Don’t the expressions on their faces say enough? Example C is an example of the show not tell idea I featured in a previous post. It does include the part about Alice possibly being part non-human,butthis time, it is worked into the narrative itself. One of the men actually mentions this fact out loud, instead of having the text explain it to the audience.
Okay, so with that all said and done, which of the 3 examples did you like the best?
Okay, so which one did everyone like?
Dear Twilight Fans:
My boyfriend Ironman is better than your boyfriend.
Here are just a few reasons
1. I mean seriously, who can resist Robert Downy Jr?
2. Tony Stark looks awesome
3. He has a great and rather snarky personality.
4. He has a robot butler and an assistant who is way cooler than Bella (aka the useless).
5. He has a high-tech metal combat suit that is practically bulletproof, shoots energy beam, gives him super strength and enhanced reflexes, allows him to fly at supersonic speeds, and looks great as well.
6. He actually has a heart, even if it’s made of metal. It glows too. Tell me that’s not awesome.
7. Glowing is better than sparkling. Wannabe vampires sparkle. Real men have glowing arc reactors in their chest.
8. He owns a multi-million (perhaps billion) dollar weapons company. What does Eddie own? Not that, I know that. He doesn’t even have a ramen stand.
9. Robot suits beat sparkly pale creepy guys any day
10. Ironman is a member of the Avengers. Yeah, you heard me.
11. Ironman’s movies are WAY better than Eddie’s. Giant robots, supersonic robot suits, really cool fight scenes, Tony Stark (did I mention that one before?).
12. Ironman has way more action figures than Eddie could ever hope to have
13. Ironman has a LEGO minifigure of him. An OFFICIAL LEGO minifigure. Can you say the same for Eddie?
14. Ironman would totally waste your boyfriend in a fight. He has super strength, supersonic flight, energy beams, fast reflexes, a robot copilot, missiles, rocket boots, and a lot of other cool stuff, not to mention a really durable suit. What does Eddie have - he sparkles. So yeah.
15. Ironman is featured in more works (comics, movies, etc) than Eddie could ever hope to be.
So I’ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. Get mad. I don’t want your damn lemons. What am I supposed to do with these. Demand to see life’s manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s going to burn your house down, with the lemons. I’ll get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down, if Stephanie Meyer can’t write to save her posterior, maybe I could try rewriting (albeit satirically) this abomination.
Okay, here goes
This little scene is based on the one where Bella’s dad buys her a really bad car.
“Hey, dad,” I said, getting into the car. Rain splattered the windshield, making everything blurry.
“Alice, long time,” he said with a grin.
I clenched my teeth, but tried not to show it. “Yeah… so,” I was struggling to find words, but my tongue wouldn’t move, “how’s the hero work going.”
Dad made an overly dramatic twist of the steering wheel, nearly knocking my head into the window. “Well, my beloved, everything is going well. I just caught two criminals today. Would have caught a third if the police weren’t sleeping on duty.”
Yeah, Dad is a superhero. Nuff said there. I could go into a long story about how he goes saving people and stuff, but that’d probably bore all of you to tears, so I’ll skip the introductions.
“Great,” I said tonelessly. I wasn’t really in the mood to hear more of his stories.
“So, did I tell you about that one time I caught a robber in a telephone booth?” Dad asked with that trademarked grin I so hated.
I sighed deeply. “Dad, you told me that one a million times when I was a kid.” I tried not to roll my eyes.
“Uh, yeah, I must have. No little girl should go without hearing about her father’s heroic deeds on a daily basis!”
“Yeah. Uh huh.” I mouthed.
“So Alice, I bought you something as a welcome home present.”
“Thanks Dad. Lemme guess. It’s another matching superhero outfit. You only gave me enough to fill a closet.”
“No,” he said, raising a hand to the roof of the car, “No, I know you’re not really into the whole heroic stuff like your old man.” He clapped me hard on the back. It felt like being hit with a brick or something. Super strength will do that. “Since you’re a big girl now, I thought you needed something to help you get around.”
“A car. Thanks Dad.”
“Not just any car. I bought this one at a great price.”
I sighed. “Now, that’s the part you don’t tell me, remember,” I snarked.
Okay, you get the idea. I sort of add a little of what Alice (my character) is thinking, but don’t go into lengthy backstory like telling the story of how Dad saved some people falling off a building or anything like that. I only mention stuff relevant to the story happening at the time.
ranting
Do you remember an English teacher or someone in your life telling you the now rather cliche saying ‘show not tell’ (i.e. SHOW what the characters do/say/etc to illustrate their character instead of telling about it). It’s like saying Alice (not me, but Alice in Wonderland Alice) peered at a bottle on the table, carefully examining it, wondering what was inside, rather than saying Alice is a curious girl. Bella loves her exposition. Okay, she’s a first person narrator, but still, she could just tell the story and cut the exposition. I used to have this problem, but have become much more aware of it. Further evidence to support my theory that Twilight is a mutated and overgrown author fantasy fanfic of sorts. But still, it is better to show not tell. Ever got bored reading a textbook? Yes? Well that’s probably because it was telling you about stuff rather than showing it to you. It’s like watching a movie rather than reading a summary on Wikipedia. If it’s a good movie, I’m sure the choice is clear.
/ranting
Okay, so Forks is a rainy gloomy unpleasant place with no sun. It’s no wonder the sparkle-pires like it here. It’s like a modern remake of Dracula but bad. Really bad. This is NOT Transylvania, folks. It’s just this gloomy rainy town. It wouldn’t even fly in a Scooby Doo movie, and nobody takes those seriously anymore. Oh boy, dramatic ominous language, foreboding. What could happen? Forbidden romance? Murder? Genocide? Zombie apocalypse? Massive explosions? The end of the world? Absolutely nothing? World War III, A girl falls in love with a human disco ball? Take your pick. I’m collecting bets. *snark*
Bella is one heck of a masochist. Seriously, she puts up with this creepy rapist stalker guy, talks about the ‘hunter’ trying to kill her affectionately. She even exiles herself to a place she hates. She must really like being miserable. I so want to replace Bella with Buffy and see the carnage unfold.
ranting
Okay, so the preface isn’t that bad compared to what I know is coming next, but it makes the whole creepy stalker thing to be some kind of life and death, hunter and hunted thing. This is NOT the Hunger Games, sweetheart, you have a human disco ball chasing a pathetic author stand-in character. Stop trying to make this crap look better than it is. That’s what TV commercials are for.
/ranting
Twilight. Any self-respecting nerd will cringe at the mention of that word. Bad and Twilight are pretty much synonymous in nerd culture, so I was thinking, maybe I should read the darn thing. Maybe I was not giving it it’s due chance. Just Kidding! My real reason for reading these abominations is to see how rage-inducing they are and to share my rage here. You can expect angry ranting, ultra-violent fanart, and plenty of satirical rewrites.
However, this is a VERY dangerous undertaking and should not be attempted by anyone reading this at home. I have years of experience to keep me safe, and am what you call an ‘expert’ in these matters. I shall undertake this with medical and police supervision, carefully overseen by a certified psychologist. Or maybe I’m just quoting Mythbusters.
Okay, okay, enough talking. I’ll get started reading the first of the many abominations (and maybe watching the horrid movies afterwards), but I’ll end with this. I have a nerdy fangirl crush on Ironman. Those Twilighters have their Eddie. My boyfriend is better than their boyfriend! Remind me to make a post comparing Tony Stark to the horribly bad Edward Cullen.
One nerd girl's epic quest to read, rage against, rewrite, satirize, and draw ultra-violent cartoons of the Twilight saga.
